he grasped the sides of my hips firmly & pressed me close as our bodies moved serenely in one fluid motion. i never looked away, just up, & i could see the darkness in his eyes. as much as i'd like to say i made him stop, i didn't. as much as i'd like to say i was repulsed, i wasn't.

i just wanted him to love me.

teardrops rimmed my eyes the entire time because more than anything else i knew that my body was all i was good for now. my temple that i nurtured & tried so hard to maintain was now being mutilated by a ravenous beast who wanted nothing more than pleasure.

did i find that pleasurable? part of me is unsure. physically of course, i couldn't help it. but i could feel my soul, buried deep within my heart, beating faster with each pump of blood, growing weaker & weaker with every glide. i felt wanted... but i felt dirty. full of empty feelings & selfish desire. i meant nothing more to him than the next woman would. but i loved him nonetheless & i guess that's just what loves does to you. i just needed him. i needed, needed, needed him.

& somewhere in between it all, i felt whole again. & then it was gone & i was nothing more than an empty body & i was nothing more than a martyr & i was nothing more than half of the person i once was & i was nothing more.